Defense mechanisms...

A couple of months ago I told my brother about the other me. It was during an episode of "Spoorloos Verdwenen" of which I won't spoil the plot. Sorry Dutch show and no subtitles. I often longed for such a moment, to break the ice and casually exclaim "I'm like that!" as I felt it was really hard to come up with the subject by myself, out of the blue. Either the show was ridiculous, which wouldn't support my case, channels where switched, total disinterest or a lump the size of walnut stuck in my throat preventing to speak up at all.

That is the so called defense mechanism. In our western society you'll discover at one point that dressing up as someone of the opposite sex, well at least for the boys, it not quite done and you'll need to cover up for it and act if you where just normal. Of course this is not for just dressing but for about everything in where you'll be the receiving end of many (harsh) jokes. You come up with excuses for about everything, being very thorough in leaving no traces (but of course, mothers are not stupid mind you ;) ) turning you into a very secretive person. You'll probably make an excellent spook by then. The defense mechanism is getting routine and even when society changes towards a more relax attitude towards transgender people it remains stuck.

A quote from "She's Not There" by Jennifer Finney Boylan pretty much hammers the nail on the head. "Going from male to female is easy, from a person with a secret to one without is much harder"

So there I sat on the couch, seeing the plot unravel (I was tensioned already from the start because I just had the feeling I knew it was all about) my vision was getting more and more narrow, my throat dried up and my heart bounced and was preparing to speak up whereas every part of the defense mechanism (don't bother you brother with that! are you mad ?) tried to prevent it from happening. If I couldn't speak up now, there wouldn't be another opportunity for ages to come. and when the plot became clear I stretched a bit and said in a very calm manner (quite strange) "So, I'll also come out of the closet then".

Of course this quite struck my brother by surprise and couldn't grasp what it was all about So I explained, mum helped too, he asked some questions and was pretty ok with that. Some time after that I showed him a photograph (You have pretty clothes you know) and even has seen me like that a couple of times. He deals with it as if it where the most normal thing in the world. And in fact, that might be just the right way to cope with it.

So why did I want to tell him ? Because I was fed up with all the covering up, the secrets, the excuses, the lies. I'm a much more happier person now, at ease and with a great mum and bro... Thank you!